Juvenile Cheap Shotting Pieces of Shit

I earnestly hope, I pray, that the events which transpired in the early hours of this morning are seen and read here by the sackless assailant.

So I was away with the fairies, dreaming of a world without tyrannous government rule, when at 3:08AM GMT I was awakened by a din loud enough to deafen even the most leechiest of chavs. Without second thinking I rose from my slumber and walked to the window. I pulled the curtain and saw three twenty-something IC1 males walking off with various parts of the roadworks which have been recently installed to fix a gas pipe.

The roadworks and note the red and white striped PVC lengths

I opened my window and yelled at them, something along the lines of, "Oi you nasty little scrotes, how would you like it if I came around to your house in the middle of the night waking you from your beauty sleep?", to which the reply was thus:

"Fuck off granddad or we'll put your front window in!" -Spineless Chav

Surprised by their jibes, and being far from a granddad, I sniggered, thought back to when I was a teenager, shook my head then squeezed out a short, sharp fart and pulled the curtains. I then slowly shuffled back to my warm comfortable bed. Just as I was reaching to turn off the bedside light there was an almighty CRASH which reverberated through the structure of our house. My brain's reaction was, "Oh no they didn't?", and then my heart kicked in and I threw on some trousers and proceeded to dress like a whippet whilst clambering down the stairs.

Damaged sign, but garage door like Fort Knox

Once I had managed to put my shoes on and open the door, I noticed a road sign which had been hurled up against my garage door. I turned 45 degrees to my left and saw these pieces of shit continuing to pull the roadworks apart and mindlessly go on to throw them into the giant crater which had been previously dug the day before. I yelled again. "Granddad's here, come and sit on my knee, motherfucker."

Obviously this did nothing in my favour and the pack of three walked over to me, roadworks and all. As I was attempting to explain the finer points of being an upstanding citizen, out of nowhere came a blow to my head from the right which I immediately reacted to, dropping to my left knee, momentarily assessing what the actual fuck, then raising a stern right hand uppercut into the groin of the sucker punching little cretin who had struck me in the face with a seven foot piece of PVC barrier.

I was surprised that I wasn't group jumped at that moment and we all seemed to freeze in time. I sprung to my feet and then continued to administer my tirade of verbal correctiveness. As I seemed to be making progress with the more sober of the two, the wheezing and flustered shithead who had tried to copulate with my fist rose to his feet spluttering and attempting to string together a sentence.

I kept the corner of my eye on him and was just about to walk away back to the comfort of my increasingly cooling bed when he thought he would have another shot at me. Unfortunately for him I kind of knew it was coming and countered with an elbow to his front teeth. He went down again.

At this point both of his girly friends (who were actually taller than me and I'm 183 cm) decided that they didn't want any of it and backed up. They told 'Marcus' to get up and together they steadily retreated off of our property and into the darkness. I caught a glimpse of them walking past a street lamp propping their buddy up and decided to retire myself once more.

With the adrenaline flowing through me like a racing chariot I was actually unable to get straight back to sleep so I decided to call the local police to inform them of what had happened and how I had only acted in self defence towards these miscreants. The police officer on the telephone was actually very understanding and while he didn't condone my behaviour, he did tell me that I had acted accordingly and within the bounded scope of the law.

I had a visit from the police this morning and they took a brief statement of events and I gave them a cup of sweet tea and a small plate of chocolate Digestives. -Me

My final message to the less than intelligent chimp who thought he could take on a 3rd dan (三段/参段) black belt in Judo, if you're ever in the area again, please do feel free to come around and get your tooth back.

Motherfucker.